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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25335841">i'm here because i know</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/silvereiaa/pseuds/silvereiaa'>silvereiaa</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Haikyuu!!</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Akaashi Keiji &amp; Bokuto Koutarou Friendship, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Anxiety, BokuAka Day, BokuAka Week 2020, Bokuaka - Freeform, Bokuto loves akaashi, M/M, POV Akaashi Keiji, POV Bokuto Koutarou, References to Depression, Romance, Slow Romance, akaashi is depressed, akaashi opened up to bokuto, bokuto was there for akaashi, im really angsty, inspired by the manga where akaashi had a breakdown</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 05:20:48</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,480</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25335841</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/silvereiaa/pseuds/silvereiaa</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <strong>It all came too fast. Akaashi found himself drowning alone.</strong>
</p>
<p>  <strong>"It hurts everytime you breathe. You want the pain to stop all at once. It would've been easier that way. But do you know what's worse? You don't know how to stop it because you can't."</strong></p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Akaashi Keiji &amp; Bokuto Koutarou, Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>65</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>i'm here because i know</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>tw// slight depression and anxiety</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Nobody knew. </strong>
</p>
<p>Nobody knew Akaashi barely breathes everyday. Nobody knew that his gentle smiles are fragments of what's actually left inside of him. Nobody knew that he wakes up suffocated. Nobody knew he gets to class early to cry alone on his desk. Nobody knew that his active participations inside the classroom are weak attempts of convincing himself that he still enjoys learning at school. Nobody knew about the invisible weight he carries all the way home until he falls asleep. Nobody knew that he wanted to run away. </p>
<p>Nobody knew that he wanted to end everything. </p>
<p>Akaashi will stay up late at night, trying to push away his lingering thoughts that never seem to spare him some rest. It had always been a constant struggle to fight all of the negativity within. Akaashi wasn't dumb to know that he needed help but the urge to ask for it was drowned away by the stronger force of depression. He didn't know if his parents knew about it but he wasn't really open with his feelings to begin with and besides he didn't want to be another problem for them to handle. He never really had friends except for Bokuto who he recently became close with earlier in the year. He didn't think though that Bokuto would really concern himself with Akaashi. He didn't try approach a counselor because it only made it more of a fact that he was not 'okay' and that made him sick. Akaashi just wanted to be normal again. He just wanted to be his usual composed self but why was it so hard?</p>
<p>It started six months ago, the strong emotions of anxiety and self-doubt. He tried not to dwell on it, distracted himself with school thinking that it'll probably pass. Maybe. Just maybe. If he forces himself to do that usual things he did. Try to change his mindset by engaging in his interests everything would go back to normal. </p>
<p>He was never so wrong in his life.</p>
<p>It slowly began to weigh on him. The pulse of his heartbeat racing faster everyday and then at night it would slow down almost to a point he barely hears it pumping in his chest. He would overthink and it would not stop. He was still able to do his daily tasks at the very least but it all took a toll on him in the end especially when his grades dropped during second semester and his attendance in his volleyball practices were getting scarce. </p>
<p>Bokuto noticed. He noticed from the very start that Akaashi's smile doesn't seem to reach his eyes anymore. Bokuto noticed that his way more silent than usual. He noticed how Akaashi spends more time reading and studying—not that it was a bad thing but after spending a few months together he developed a high sensitivity around the former that the slightest hint of difference on Akaashi he sees. </p>
<p>Bokuto didn't intervene at first. He was unsure of how to approach Akaashi. He clearly knew something was wrong—that the boy was not okay but he was afraid that he might be overstepping on the other's boundaries. It was weird for Bokuto to feel anxious on talking to Akaashi. He had always been socially loud among a lot of people in fact he loves talking and by just being obnoxiously outgoing—if he was to quote the exact words from Konoha. However in that moment, he was not sure of himself. He might end up pushing him too much and worse eventually have Akaashi end up being more distant than ever. </p>
<p>And Bokuto definitely did not want that to happen especially now that he  acknowledges that he might actually have a budding affection towards the boy. He didn't know how and when it started. He just knew that his heart would suddenly skip a beat when Akaashi smiles with those dark eyes of his so in contrast with Bokuto's golden ones. He just knew that his stomach would flip everytime Akaashi calls for him, the sound of his name beautiful and gentle in his tongue. He just knew that he cares so much about Akaashi's advices that he also wants to give comfort to the latter in return. </p>
<p>It was then Bokuto realized that his heart constricts in pain when he thinks about Akaashi in distress. That to see him happy was enough for Bokuto to be happy as well. </p>
<p>He cared for him—so much. </p>
<p> —————</p>
<p>The next week, Akaashi told his volleyball coach he needed a break because he was not feeling well. He did not further explain his situation because he thought that it was better if he left them thinking that his abscence will be short and he will eventually return soon. To his credit, their coach didn't argue against him and only nodded her head in response. </p>
<p>He was about to turn towards the school gates when he heard the sound of footsteps rushing towards him and then the sound of Bokuto's voice called out.</p>
<p>"Akaashi, wait."</p>
<p>Akaashi took a deep breath. He didn't want to face Bokuto right now but knowing the guy, he would only insist more so Akaashi didn't really have a choice. He swiveled around and was surprised to find a frown on his friend's face instead of his usual cheery expression.</p>
<p>"Bokuto." The words suprisingly strange but familiar in his tongue.  </p>
<p>"Can we talk?"</p>
<p>"Aren't we already?” There wasn't any hint of sarcasm nor annoyance on Akaashi's tone but rather it was flat. Dull. Which concerned Bokuto more than getting an annoyed remark. </p>
<p>Bokuto didn't hesitate finally letting the words out. </p>
<p>"Tell me. Tell me. What's wrong. " </p>
<p>He then took a step closer to the dark-haired boy infront of him. </p>
<p>For a minute, there was nothing but silence until finally Akaashi taking a deep breath spoke first. </p>
<p>"Bokuto-san. " Akaashi started, his eyes unable to look straight at his friend.  "I know things are concerning and not the way they used to be but as a friend please trust me on this. I'm fi-"</p>
<p>"STOP SHITTING ON ME, AKAASHI. "</p>
<p>Akaashi wide-eyed was speechless from Bokuto's sudden outburst. Bokuto was always a loud and bright person but Akaashi didn't expect Bokuto to respond to him that way. He barely even remembers the last time Bokuto was mad. But right now, he was convinced Bokuto was indeed is. </p>
<p>"Could you throw away your goddamn pride for once, Akaashi?" Bokuto went on,  stepping dangerously closer. "For once, let others help you. Let me help you."</p>
<p>"I--" Akaashi tried to reason out but his efforts were futile. </p>
<p>"No. Listen to me." Bokuto's voice was low and intense. "Something's not wrong. I know it. You've been restless for months. You've always been quiet but compared to what it is now your presence just is empty..."</p>
<p>Akaashi could hear the how he was trying to keeping his voice from cracking which made it a struggle for him to look back and see the boy who he treasured so much be angry and frustrated because of him.</p>
<p>"Your words never seem to speak loudly anymore. Your smiles never seem to reach those eyes of yours. You never play volleyball with the same fervor and passion anymore and you try to hide all those things to make us think everything's okay even though it's clear that it's not."</p>
<p>"Why?" Akaashi frowned. He didn't know why out of the things to say those three letters spilled from his mouth but still he continued. "Why do you care so much?"</p>
<p>Bokuto couldn't stop himself anymore. He was annoyed and tired he only wanted to open himself to the boy but why was it so hard? The last of his remaining patience snapped and without thinking grabbed the front of Akaashi's shirt with a scowl.</p>
<p>" Because I care. Because it hurts seeing you like this. Because I fucking like you!" </p>
<p>Akaashi blinked. ' Bokuto likes him?' Why? Why would he like someone so unstable and broken? Why would he like someone who can't even decide for himself? He doesn't deserve him. It's unfair. Everything's unfair. </p>
<p>He was broken from his thought when he felt Bokuto leaned his head on his shoulders and felt a growing wetness on his collar. Hot wet tears fell down on Bokuto's cheeks as he cried hard on the boy's chest. Bokuto's gripped didn't falter. He was holding on tight as if pulling away even just an inch would make Akaashi disappear from him forever.</p>
<p>Akaashi felt his heart constrict in pain. Bokuto cared so much all this time but Akaashi was dumb enough to be blinded by his suffering that he consider how Bokuto would feel.</p>
<p>Akaashi finally realized that he owed Bokuto an explanation. It was unfair for him to leave him alone to worry and feel bad for himself.  Akaashi squeezed his eyes tight and swallowed the lump in his throat. This time, he would face it. It's the least he could give to Bokuto. Slowly, he raised his arms around the other guy. His warmth, his tears and his breaths bringing the slightest comfort to him. He felt Bokuto sigh in relief on his chest. The weight inside his heart lifted a bit as he held Bokuto in place. Never letting him go. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>After a while, Bokuto calmed down from his frustration looked up and searched Akaashi's face. </p>
<p>The beautiful face he gazed at for so many times. The face that once beheld silent beauty and wonder was now a shadow and a corpse of what it was before. </p>
<p>"I-I'm sorry."</p>
<p>The latter held him at his shoulders and only shook his head in response before giving him a weak smile. </p>
<p>"It hurts." </p>
<p>Bokuto felt a single tear roll down his cheeks. </p>
<p>"It hurts everytime you breathe. You want the pain to stop all at once. It would've been easier that way. But do you know what's worse? You don't know how to stop it because you can't."</p>
<p>"Bokuto-san. These things don't just come and go that easily." Akaashi felt his hands tremble as he forced himself to continue talking even though it took a toll on him. "It happens so fast that before you know it you're left to understand what was going on that even your very own self does not know how and why it happened. What's only evident is the unceasing fear and pain. It's like the realization that you're breathing and you don't know why you're breathing but you continue to do it even though it hurts."</p>
<p>Finally, the dam of emotions that Akaashi tried so hard to hide for all these months broke. The sadness, the anger, the pain, everything just came out all at once that he was not able to stop himself from shaking and crying so hard. He cried for his past self, the Akaashi who was at peace and contented with his life. He cried for his parents, who despite not being able to know what he was dealing with, remained patient with him. He cried for his teammates, who he lied to with all his pretensions. He cried for Bokuto, the least person who would misunderstand him and who he dismissed the friendship and love he had with him. Lastly, he cried for his current self, for being pathetic and weak, for being afraid to admit that he needs support and for forgetting that there's someone who would love him despite of who he was and regardless of what he was experiencing. </p>
<p>Bokuto took Akaashi's face, wet and red from crying. His delicate features filled with much suffering and sadness. He remembered how his heart would beat with so much joy before just to see even a glimpse of Akaashi's beautiful smile. Now, that smile is gone but it did not mean it would never return again. Bokuto knew deep inside that he would see that precious smile again. With his new resolve, Bokuto would do anything to light up this dark shadow Akaashi is experiencing right now. And they would go through it together. </p>
<p>"Akaashi. My beautiful, Akaashi." Bokuto lifted the boy's chin to look up at his. Bokuto gazed deeply at him. He loved Akaashi so much he would literally take on the world just to give him the happiness he deserves. </p>
<p>Slowly, he wiped the remaining tears in Akaashi's cheeks. </p>
<p>"You know what? You're the bravest person I've ever met. You were able to handle all this weight alone for months and most of all you didn't give up on yourself even though you're close to doing so." </p>
<p>Bokuto tenderly caressed his face. Then he leaned on and pressed his lips on Akaashi's forehead as he gave him a small smile, a smile that held the meaning of love when one is in times of distress. </p>
<p>Akaashi stopped trembling beneath him. He realized that he was so lucky to have someone as understanding and compassionate as Bokuto and he was so wrong for belittling his love for him. Akaashi had drowned himself to much in the dark that he failed to see that Bokuto was there for him. </p>
<p>"I understood why you kept this from me all this time. I know that is not easy but everything in life isn't." He searched at the boy's lonely eyes full of yearning. "Akaashi, I promise you I will never leave you alone." I'm here. I'm here with you and everything is gonna be fine." </p>
<p>"We are the captain of our fates. It's always up to us to decide for ourselves but I'm gonna be here with you every step of the way. Together, we would leave this darkness and see the light once more." </p>
<p>They were silent for a while, the only sounds from their ragged breathes as they listened to one another's rhythmic heartbeats in sync. They knew. They knew that starting today they would together survive all this. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Akaashi broke the silence once more, chuckling softly. "That was a good speech you had there, Bokuto-san." </p>
<p>Bokuto pulled away from him but still near enough to feel the boy's warmth. </p>
<p>"Seriously?" Bokuto who was quick as a lightning was back to his normal cheery self, looked at him with feint hurt. "I'm not the type of guy to quote on Invictus but Akaashi for you I made an exception and all you say in return is this?" </p>
<p>Akaashi only shook his head in responsed and gave him the first of his genuine smiles for a while. "Thank you, Bokuto-san. I appreciate it so much." </p>
<p>Bokuto grinned. His boyish grins which made Akaashi's heart leap. </p>
<p>"Always. For you."  He grabbed Akaashi once more into a long hug and whispered in his ear too soft for the boy to hear.<br/>
"I love you."</p>
<p>
  <strong>But Akaashi heard it and right there and then he knew he was not alone anymore because Bokuto was there and he knew.</strong>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>hi!!! i have my newest hq fic here :')) i luv bokuaka sm they have my heart. i started writing this when i was feeling really lonely bc i also have anxiety and depression (had??) i also really empathized w akaashi on the manga when he had his break down so i made this fic in partly for myself as well :')) anyways, to those who are struggling in depression dont hesitate to ask for help. if u think no one will understand u ur wrong bc there would always be someone who would love and support u &lt;333 anyways, i hope u enjoyed reading this fic. i really appreciate it when you all read it uwu lovelots &lt;33</p></blockquote></div></div>
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